Stories: August 2006 Archives

A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when the police raided the game. Turning to the priest, the lead police officer said, "Father Murphy, were you gambling?"

Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered, "Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do." To the police officer, he then said, "No, officer; I was not gambling."

The officer then asked the minister, "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?"

Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied, "No, officer; I was not gambling."

Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?"

Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied, "With whom?"

_______________________

The fundamental religious question. With whom?

And every week at this time we answer it. With each other.

Our offering will now be taken and received.

beliefnet jokes

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it. Lo-and-behold a genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope. Due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So, what'll it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

The woman thought for a minute. She said, "Well, I've been trying to find the right husband. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, has a great sense of humor and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time. That's what I wish for. A perfect husband."

The Genie looked at the woman for a minute and said,

"Let me see that map again."

Wishing on a lamp is one way to realize one's dreams,
but joining with others in with a conmon vision,
and working to realize that vision the covenant of this church.

Our offering will now be taken and received.

Garrison, why don't you like the Unitarian Universalists? Now, as one of "them," I don't take offense to your jokes, but I have heard through usually reliable sources that you harbor some hostility, so I am curious.

Olav Nieuwejaar
Milford, NH

Olav, my ill-feeling toward the UUs is due to their relentless evangelizing among the dead, as evidenced by a UU publication I saw that claimed Emily Dickinson as one of theirs and also Walt Whitman. They already have Ralph Waldo Emerson and Thomas Jefferson and Louisa May Alcott - shouldn't that be enough for them? Emily Dickinson was Lutheran, as evidenced by her poem, "Success is counted swedish by those who ne'er succeed," but the UUs are ransacking the past for people who might have been thinking along UU lines and claiming them as members in good standing. Next thing you know they'll be claiming Elvis.

from the Prairie Home Companion Website

This is a summer rerun from a post in October 1995

A British audiology expert, named Dr. Aziz is warning that listening to music at high volume causes the brain to hear phantom music. This is different from the common occurrence of having a song "stuck" in your head because the sound is continuous and appears real.  Dr Aziz, whose research involving 30 sufferers is published this week in the International Journal of Geriatric Psychiatry, said: "Having a song in your head every now and then is quite normal but musical hallucinations can be quite distressing." He predicted the condition will become more common as people are inundated with music from their iPods, radios and TVs, plus music played in public places.

"People who are bombarded by music tend to hear music," said Dr Aziz. "I suspect the rates of hallucinations in orchestral players will be higher than normal. So, as we hear more music every day, cases will probably go up."

Mark Prigg writing in the Bristol Evening Standard reports that Aziz's research research suggests sound hallucinations occur when people move from a stimulusrich environment to one with few auditory stimuli - for instance, from using an iPod on the Tube to entering a quiet office. With no sound via the ears, the brain generates random impulses it interprets to be sound. It then matches these to memories of music and a song begins in the head. This may explain why Beethoven was able to compose after going deaf.

Is this a bad thing?  I guess that depends on what music your head decides to play!  Some older folks in Britain are reported to be quite comforted by the phantom playing of Abide With Me.

Writing to Bishop Spong Kurt Kenworth from Claremont, California writes:

"Recognizing that the Bible consists of many books by many authors over a 1,000 year period of time, and assuming that no major additions to the Bible have been attempted since the King James Version was published 400 years ago or so, and further noting that a stupendous amount of information about changes in the secular world, which seem to be accelerating, are now before us do you think a major addition, such as another "testament" or "New Testament No. 2" or an authorized supplement to the Bible (other than modern era re-translations that have been printed even in the 20th century, and which appear to be entirely self-serving) is in order?

Spong replies:

Was there no new insight to come out of Christianity after it was recognized by Constantine in 313? When Augustine related Christianity to the thoughts of Plato in the 4th and 5th centuries, was none of that worthy of being incorporated into the Canon of Christian scripture? When Thomas Aquinas rethought Christianity in the 13th century in terms of the thoughts of Aristotle, was not some part of that work worthy of inclusion? Were there no voices out of the Reformation that rose to the level of scripture? When liturgies were shaped in the 13th century, should not the account of that have been incorporated into our sacred story?

What is in the Bible is a political decision,  some books made the cut and some were rejected as not authoritative or heretical.  But at the time of Jesus some of the books in that are now in the "Old Testament" were not yet accepted as scripture, and of course none of the books that make up the "New Testament."  Decisions were made and what these humans decided was "scripture" became The Word of God For The People Of God.

Would it be a good idea to include new books in the Bible?  As I see it only the United Church of Christ, Evangelical Lutherans and Protestant Episcopalians would even entertain such an idea.  Maybe we need a new Pope, but opening the canon won't happen on Benedicts watch.  But still, assuming that the People of God were consulted, what books would you include?