Stories: July 2006 Archives

What does the making of soup have to teach us about the ministry of a congregation?

Forrest Gump died and went to Heaven.
When he got to the pearly gates,
Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect
due to the advances in education on Earth.
In order to gain admittance a prospective must answer three questions.

Why don't you listen and see if you know the answers to the questions;

1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T."
........................................................................
2. How many seconds are in a year?
.........................................................................
3. What is God's first name?

Forrest thought for a few minutes and answered,
"The two days of the week that begin with 'T' are
'Today' and 'Tomorrow.'
There are twelve seconds in a year.
And God has two first names; they are 'Andy' and 'Howard.' "

Saint Peter said, "Okay, I'll buy Today and Tomorrow.
Even though it's not the answer I expected, your answer is correct.
But how did you get twelve seconds in a year, and why did you ever think that God's first name is either Andy or Howard?"

Forrest responded, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd,
etc......"

"OK, I'll give you that one, too," said Saint Peter,
"but what about the God's first name stuff?"

Forrest said, "Well, from the song,
'Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own...'

and the prayer, 'Our Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name...' "

Saint Peter let him in without any further questions,

and so it is with our congregation,
The Treasure Coast Unitarian Universalist Church

we let you ask your own questions,
and we find your answers interesting,
and delightful

And the result is we discover how creative and innovative we really are.

Which is why we delight when the time for offering comes.

It is a time for us to explore our creativity, to surprise ourselves with our generosity, and to share in this community of caring.

From a list of jokes circulated by Ministers some years ago, I have seen posted on Huumor list - adopted for offering

Many Unitarian Universalist congregations share some appropriate humor at the time of the offering,  I try to tie the humor to some characteristic of our Unitarian Universalist practice.

Here is one that is a favorite among several congregations.

The Pope vs. Moishe*

About a century or two ago, the Pope challenged the Jewish community of Rome to a debate.

The Jews looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe who spent his life sweeping up after people to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the rules of debate. Not being used to saying very much, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews win."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger, to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible. "What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Moishe, "first he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."

"And then?" asked a woman.

"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."

And then I say some thing like "In our congregation we realize that people have different perceptions of the same event.  This leads to differences in religious understanding.  And the best way for people to understand one another is to listen to each other.

In celebration of our way of being religious, our offering will be taken and received.

*From Belief Net Jokes

Rev. David called all the children down to the front of the church to hear a "Children's Message." He wanted to talk to the children about planning ahead, and he decided that he would use a squirrel as an example.

"Now children, see if you can guess what I am thinking about," he began. "It lives in trees and eats nuts. [pause] It is gray and jumps from branch to branch. [pause] It has a long bushy tail and buries nuts in the ground in the fall so it will have something to eat all winter long. [pause] Now raise your hand if you know what I'm thinking of!"

When it became clear that none of the children was going to raise a hand, Rev. David called on one of the older girls who was sitting in front, saying to her, "What do you think I'm talking about?"

The girl replied, "Well, I know you want me to say that you're thinking about the seven principles, but it sure sounds like you're describing a squirrel."

(A story by an unknown author in my children's story collection. Any clues to the author would be greatly appreciated.)