Sacred Memories

Loss of memory.
We whose memories are sharp
look to the prospect of loss of memory with fear


Three years ago,
I was a chaplain at St. Vincent's Hospital, high on a hill
in Worcester, Massachusetts
St. Vincent's served the central Massachusetts region,
the patients were mainly Polish, French Canadian,
Irish, Yankee, some Jews,
an occassional Unitarian Universalist.
There are forty UU churches within a thirty mile radius
of St. Vincents.

I was the only non-catholic on the chaplain's staff.
Working in a catholic teaching hospital,
I learned so much about the strengths and weaknesses
of that religious approach when it came to ministering to the sick.


As Chaplain, I would visit patients and sit and talk.
Sometimes I would meet with an elderly man or woman
whose memory was failing.

What struck me from many of these conversations was the amazing recall of the emotions, the happenings
of their love relationships,
how well they the feelings for intimate companions
was revealed in those conversations.

They could associate in a kind of blessed memory,
details would be lost, sequences confused.

There was so much pain at losing the details,
forgeting the sequences,
so much anquish at losing the names,
all those details and structures that organize our living

but they remembered experiences
of their loving friendships.
Shared them with this chaplain who sat and listened.
Where they lived,
what they did for a living,
might be vague and confused

As I sat next to their beds
our conversations seemed to involve people loved,
souls meet
and traveled with on this journey through life.

the pain in those faces
when they struggled for the name,
the name of their loved one.
The name that would prove their love was true and vital.
the pain
so many gut level feelings of intimacy
came to the front,
yet much joy would come to the face of those patients,

mixed with that awful pain,
when they recalled a son or a daughter or friend
from long ago.

One man could not remember many details.
In one of our conversations, he stopped in mid-sentence
and looked at me
as if he had made a horrible discovery
his voice wavered, he teared.
He asked with the utter despair
"What is my name?" "What is my name?"

Yet his body exploded with emotion as he recalled
stories of his wife
stories of his children.

This man had been a teacher
and he remembered his students.
Sometimes when he talked about his children
the stories of his students would blend together
in the retelling,
but the pictures and sensations
that he recalled
were rich.



Memories of achievements, memories of obstacles overcome, memories of marriages
and children's having children
and students having children.

Most of us understand this man,
we may be younger than he,
our memories may be awesome
but we understand this man,

we may remember the most minute details and facts,
and every day use those facillities
but we seldom take the time to recall
the images and emotions
of long ago friends and lovers.

To live in sacred memories.

But like this aging teacher sometimes
something happens

we are alone, no one is around, we are not busy
we recall an incident
the old memories come.

Long ago memories,
deep recollections of loved ones
wonderful times with friends.
most of us have lived these experiences
experiences of remembering,
recallections of intimate moments
with friends and our family in times past,

We cherish those sacred moments,
even if we can't recall the details,
even when we forget the facts and sequences
even when we forget the names.
yes, we cherish those memories

But sometimes we have sour memories,
memories that anger us.
We remember some past love,
some old friend,
even a brother or a sister
or a mother or a father,
with anger and resentment.
we recall our victimization.


Thomas Moore is well known to North American readers
for his best selling book on Spirituality
Care of the Soul in which he explores the cultivation
of a life of depth and meaning.

Moore has written another book entitled
Soul Mates:
Honoring the Mysteries of Love and Relationships.

It was through Moore and his book Soul Mates
that I came to appreciate how formative
memories can be.
the book focused my attention
on the mystery of deep encounters with others
and how they shape and reshape our lives.


Go to Chapters Book Store in Pointe Claire,
on the second floor you will find
in the Self Help, Relationship,
and Psychology section

There you will find many books about relationships

Dale Carnegie's book
How to Win Friends And Influence People
is still on the shelves and still selling
and there are so many others.
Books about how to love and win love.
How to parent and raise good children.
How to. How to.
Self improvement books is the best selling category of non fiction.
Some good stuff in those books,
some not so good stuff in those books as well.

There are books explaining our failures to love
and be loved.
Books explaining why we don't come off like a movie star,
books detailing how we can do better,
Explaining the psychodynamics of relationship,
explaining, explaining,
blaming and correcting.

Moore's book is anecdote all these books,
it doesn't tell you,
how to be happy when everyone around you is unhappy
how to sell people things,
how to blame our losses,
how to explain away our failures.
Moore's book is about soul mates,
about relations between people at the level of depth
and profound meaningfulness.
The subtitle of his book tells so much,
"Honoring the Mysteries of Love and Relationship."

To Honor the Mystery.
This is rare advice in our culture.
For we have resolved to conquer mystery,
we are uncomfortable with the unfathomable.
The idea that mystery
and perplexity are essential dimensions
of love and life
is not welcome news to our contemporary ears.

Moore argues that one Soul's interactions in depth,
with another Soul
is beyond psychologies of cause and effect,
push and pull, .
beyond our ability to manipulate and control.

Read the entire shelve of self help books,
and the music of our life with others
will remain mystery,

when we confront a mystery
we are dealing with reality
beyond cause and effect.

Rather than being the manipulators,
rather than being agents of control
we are who is changed,
we are who is transformed by relationship,
In all our loving and all in our relating
in all the depths of our being together
with friends and family
we become intertwined
and involved with another changing person
and at the same time fully aware of our own depth,

we can learn of this depth
when we are open to the learning,
we can discover new things about ourselves,
we can surprise ourselves with our newness.

We are reminded of the ancient wisdom,
one must loose ones soul to gain ones soul
in loving relationship we experience this lose of control,

we may even experience ourselves being born again
to our real self

Our search for formulas for success
our desire to find out how to control relationship,
our efforts to explain relationship
in order to control relationship
may contribute closing us off to the newness,
may rob us of our soulful knowing of the other.

by trying to manipulate the other
by placing ourselves in control
and in charge
we miss the deep knowing that was possible.



Moore writes "The Heart has its own reasons.
When we try to understand why relationships
come into being and fall apart,
why some families are nurturing and others devastating,
why some friendships endure long absences
and bitter arguments
while others fade,
we come come face to face
with the unknown core of the human heart.

Moore continues in another place
"The heart is a mystery
-not a puzzle that can't be solved,
but a mystery in the religious sense:
unfathomable,
beyond manipulation,
showing traces of the finger of God at work."

However you may answer the philosophical questions
concerning the existence of God,
I think that you can understand this metaphor
we understand that there is a dimension to our living
to our loving
that transcends our own efforts and intents.

we experience love
working through us,
not just our willfulness,
but love having a power of its own

thus "the finger of God at work"


relating together with loved ones
and friends is therefore a gift,
a grace of love,
not something we earn by being good or clever
or can win,
or make better through technique, or make happen.

A gift to be celebrated
A grace to be honored.

Celebrated and honored, in our companionship,
in the way we love

but you say,
to often the gift is taken away,
to often the gift isn't fully given,

too often, we accept the gift
and we give in return
and the love turns sour
and hurts us.

That too is part of the mystery
We can respond seeking to control
prevent the pain,
protect the heart.
and close ourselves off from the gift.

We can not possess love,
it is not ours to control,
it is not an act of will
or a product of good technique

To celebrate, to honor
I believe that this is wisdom.
I believe that the coming to our friendships,
to our relations with our children and our parents
and our lovers and our spouses
and to all our relationships
with this sense of a grace that has been given,
with a heart of gratitude
rather than entitlement is wisdom.

How different that is from the way of this world.
We have become so enmeshed in psychologies of manipulation and theories of relationships
based on Winning Friends and Influencing People.
The insights of marketing and sales
may shape our perceptions
about how relationships with people should upfold,
and we forget the insights of poets and sages.


Our marketing economy distorts our values
the actual being in depth with other people is treated
as a means to an end.

And we can be convinced by the manipulative theories
that we should relate to others
in order to meet our own needs for intimacy.
or our own needs for self esteem,
or our own needs for power,

all of which will blind us to the wisdom of the ages
close us to the revelations of the soul intrinsic,


The intimate network of interconnection
that grounds our lives
that roots and nestles
and nurtures our soul and gives us strength
will never be textbook perfect

few of our being with others
will ever don't conform to psychological ideals

Our Memories.
our sacred and blessed memories,
are not fairy book fantasies

Our memories of our loved ones
and our transforming friendships
will stay with us
informing our soul
even when the details become unclear,
even the names are forgotten.

My friends,
May let us learn to live our lives
with our less than perfect selves
accepting and enjoying
cherishing
accepting and enjoying
and cherishing
living our lives open to the gift of others.

Let us learn to live with the joyous imperfection
of who we are,
and who we are becoming,
remembering and holding sacred
all those who have been dear
and influential in our lives,

remembering without bitterness
if we can
our disappointments, and our pains,
as well as joys and sweet memories,
for all of these memories are who we were,
and who we will become


Dwelling in the mystery of love and friendship.

Let us enter into a moment of quiet reflection,
as we ponder all this in our hearts.